Apologies for my long online absence but b/t a visit from Jeff, preparing for a massive Corporations final (which in spite of my efforts, resulted in utter failure), and mustering up the courage to go on a 72 hours bender to scratch out the first draft of my article, I’ve been too busy to do much else but react. My brains been full of thoughts (friends have seen the steam coming outta my ears) but I haven’t been able to really process them let alone share them with others.
I still feel like someone who has been thrown from a horse and is trying to figure out how to get back on. 1L really destroyed whatever shard of self-confidence I might have had when I left DC and I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. And in the end, I’m just confused. I’ve heard everything from “hey, not everyone’s good at law school, it’s not for everyone, maybe you should quit” to “hey, at least you’ll have a JD in a year and a half, maybe you’ll be able to make a career out of that 10 years from now.” If I accept the validity of either or those statements, the present and the next ten years look incredibly bleak.
I was talking to a friend this weekend about the usefulness of anger. In an ideal world, I guess I wouldn’t be fueled by anger but in the absence of happiness, real passion, etc. it seems like the next best thing. And maybe that’s been my problem here. I need to be really pissed about something…b/c that used to keep me working, hard, all the time. Now I just want to sleep, forget about everything around me, all the time.
And then, I feel like all this agonizing, the drama seems strangely unnecessary. That maybe I could actually do something I feel real passion about–not sure what that’d be but it sure as hell isn’t law, anymore–or that in the grand scheme of things I don’t have a ton to complain about in the “grand scheme of things.” And in fact, maybe I don’t, but that still doesn’t leave me feeling any better. If anything I feel worse b/c I’m not as resilient as the rest of my friends (many of whom have been through a lot more the last couple of years) and b/c I just can’t find my way out of what everyone else thinks is a seemingly easy funk.
I can’t think of anything else to say is except that I don’t see the big picture and to the extent that I might, it’s looking pretty damn ugly.