Well the semester is wrapping up and I’m starting to get scared. Lots to do with though energy levels are at a historic low. Since turning in the 1st draft of my article (overall disappointing debacle with a few paragraphs of triumph), I’ve struggled to recover my law school mojo….most days have been cold, grey, tedious, and just blah. I realize now that I know too much about my experience here and yet I’m still unwilling to accept things as they are and move on. Namely, I’m still nursing my old (and now dying) dreams of being big, bad-ass litigator at mega law firm…or even medium size one at that. But several rejection letters later, I’m realizing I gotta let that go. If there is a ‘scarlet letter’ in law school then I must have it on me somewhere. I’ve become an untouchable in the job market. *sigh.*
Still trying to convince myself that this will not result in me begging for change on the street and/or living under a free overpass eating beans out of a can. I realize now that I lack the “thick skin one needs to have to be in this business.” I’ve been thinking about all the big, bad-ass litigators I know. And at worst, I can’t stand them and at best, I can have polite conversation with them but I could hardly consider them as friends.
Frankly I’ve become a bit bitter and disenchanted as of late b/c when I think of the long list of people who’ve really let me down in the last year or just flat out wronged me (some in ways that I find damn near unforgiveable), almost everyone on the list is a lawyer. Go f***in’ figure. It’s a strange kind of emotional spring cleaning. A lot of people have exited my life in the last year, and yet I’d say mostly I’ve parted ways with people with little or no drama. No reason to delve into the precise details of the drama on a public forum, except to say that in times of hardship and/or crisis, I’ve decided mostly to rely on myself and beyond that, on just a trusted few. I’ve gone on too long naively believing that others would have my best interests at heart. Growing up has required letting go of a lot of things and a lot of people. Now with a lot less baggage, I just have figure out where I should go?