True confessions…this is gonna be long so you may want to tune out…
Well, school is officially in full swing which means tons of reading, little or no time to craft, and loads of self-doubt. I’m still getting the hang of the whole time management/retaining the material in 300+ pages of reading per week per class and am just keeping my head above water. I’ve gotten a lot of emails and comments lately from friends (who I can only assume are well meaning) who’ve mentioned that I seem “lost” (yes, thanks for the reminder) and/or “I sound really unhappy in law school” (yes, you have such keen insight) and/or “Are you sure you want to be a lawyer?” (No, but that’s not something I can address in the short term). I suppose this is the sort of uncertainty and self doubt that can normally cloud one’s mid-to-late-20s but I happen to know an obnoxiously overachieving lot (I used to count myself in that group too) so a lot of them are well on track to make their first million by 35 or 40 or earlier…so anyway, that’s the roundabout way of saying that it’s hard not to feel terribly insecure about one of the biggest (and thus far unsuccessful) decisions of my life, so while I share your concern (hell, it’s my life) I do not need to be reminded about my indecision right now. A lot of my life sucks plenty enough as is without these kind little reminders and I’m gonna lose my shit if one more person looks at me because I’m a lunatic for not having figured out the entire trajectory of my legal career yet. And if you can’t deal with my utter indecision, come back to me in ten years and maybe I’ll have my shit together.
The problem is that I’m stuck. Literally stuck. I have no employment prospects post-grad and with 3L being as soul-crushing as it’s been has done little to inspire me to even try bothering. I’ve hated just about every second of law school and in hindsight I sadly went to law school b/c a) it was expected of me and b) I thought it’d be this impressive accomplishment. Three years later I’ve concluded a) screw expectations and b) most people really hate lawyers so law school is anything but “impressive.” That said, if I could go back in time, I would never, ever do this whole mess over again. But I’ve tried hard not to dwell on that fact so I’m nervously looking forward hoping that I will someday make peace with JD, that I’ll pass the freakin’ bar this summer, and that I’ll find some halfway decent use for my grossly overpriced education. I’m a pessimist to the core so I’m not exactly seeing the silver lining right now.
I guess I’m really sick and tired of explaining myself to people…I suppose I could just not care but I get a tad bit irked (read pissed off) when I have to justify every freaking decision of my 27 years on earth. Truth be told, I’ve made a lot of decisions (some good, some bad, for better or for worse) in the past five years without a lot of thought. It’s hardly an ideal situation but rest assured it’s been one helluva ride. Serendipity and circumstance can work in mysterious ways. Case in point–my relationship. I get a lot of raised eyebrows and dubious looks when I tell people how Jeff and I met (the internet), the time line of our relationship (off and on during past three years, we were just friends for a while before that), the fact that most of our relationship has been long distance (I’d venture 90% as a good guess), what Jeff does for a living (motorcycles/blues musician), or the fact that almost three years later my parents still haven’t met him (I would never subject someone to that level of scrutiny unless I saw wedding bells in my future). Why this is any stranger than meeting someone in a bar I do not know? Or how about the fact that people break up and get back together all the time or the fact that love doesn’t always pay attention to geography or the fact that families aren’t always thrilled about relationship choices? The simple truth is that we work and why that’s so hard to articulate I do not know? Or I guess it’s a matter of people not listening and/or not understanding.
Perhaps I am jinxing myself in writing this but my relationship with Jeff is just about the only thing I’m hopeful about right now. Yes, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs (together and apart) but having spent some time away from the relationship, I can honestly say I would not trade him in for the world. My love life (pre-Jeff or during our year apart) has involved a royal asshole of a lawyer, a future lawyer who had no life outside of the law, and a would be academic/doormat. All of these guys would’ve possibly received much more approval from the folks (and some friends as well) and I suspect any of three might have provided a good deal of financial security (why my parents pushed me so hard to get educated and then have me marry someone just for money is well beyond my comprehension?). But at least one of them would’ve treated me badly (really badly) and for very different reasons, any of the three would’ve eventually bored me to tears. Long story short, our relationship works and that’s plenty good enough for me. That said, I’m gonna see Jeff in Memphis this weekend and I am elated!!
But beyond that I guess I’m a little guilt laden. My mom was hospitalized for a few days last week–largely stress related. I was not solely responsible for all of that but I feel bad because my mom and I did not part on good terms after the holidays and there’s much of my life that she disapproves of right now. Disapproval (from my mom and from others) notwithstanding, I don’t think I’m doing anything incredibly stupid and I suspect that when all’s said and done I will land on my feet and find my way.
Apologies for the cranky, cranky post. See what happens when I’m deprived of my crafting time? After I get back from Memphis I need to find some time to put together swap packages and finish up a much neglected sweater.
Good grief, is it only Tuesday??