“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”
I’ve debated whether or not to write this post. I try to keep this space fairly happy but you know sometimes life isn’t all great restaurants, good food, and beautiful things. Sometimes bits of the past come roaring back when you least expect it and the best you can do is hold your ground and reach out for help when you need it. I don’t know how to account for or describe the last three weeks. It sort of felt like an interview for a job I didn’t know I was interviewing for, a job I wasn’t sure I wanted, and a job that I now know I didn’t get. It’s hard to know what you’ll get when you open up to people, how they’ll respond when you share your greatest hopes and dreams, your deepest fears, and everything in between. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. The sadness and disappointment of the past month has almost nothing to do with the person who passed in and out of my life, who didn’t measure up. He was just the catalyst. Rather, it has to do with the everything that came before that and how I didn’t measure up to the person that I thought I was.
I’m really glad I took some gambles this month. They didn’t quite work out how I’d hoped they would but in the process I kicked up the mental dust and learned a lot about myself. I shed a whole bunch of crap and I feel lighter than I have in months.
If you’re here. If you’re still reading this, thank you. Whether you know me in “real life” or not or you’re just dropping by, thank you for taking an interest in my little corner of the universe.