just smile all the time

YIP 365.257: high and lifted up

kinda blue

“That’s why I’m talking to you. You are one of the rare people who can separate your observation from your preconception. You see what is, where most people see what they expect. . . . There are no ugly questions except those clothed in condescension.”
~John Steinbeck

Wow. Thank you. Thank you.

I think so often I let others judge me on the things I judge myself the most harshly. There are few things I pride myself on more than resilience and self sufficiency. The last few weeks have been tough because I’ve been willing to show the chinks in my armor. I’ve found myself opening up to people (both old and new) in ways I could not have previously imagined and in the process, I’ve been extraordinarily hard on myself. At times it has been surprisingly rewarding, but always, always, it has been scary. To have admitted my limitations and weaknesses to another person. To have been vulnerable to another person, and then to have all of that viewed as a character flaw, or worse, as an annoyance that a person could not deal with because it’s not “easy,” “convenient,” or “pretty.”

A wise friend reminded me that not everyone can be entrusted to hear the story that I have to tell. Moreover, a recipient’s inability to comprehend or accept it does nothing to diminish the story itself. The mistakes of the past month can largely be attributed to sharing too much, too quickly, wanting and expecting so desperately for another person to understand. I wasn’t being fair to myself and goodness knows I wasn’t being fair to the other person. I wish I could apologize for that but in the interest of putting all of this behind me, I think I will just have to move on. Lesson learned.

It’s been a very interesting and eye opening couple of weeks (albeit, largely in my own head) and for a lot of reasons, I really needed to let a little of that spill over here. I had no idea what to expect when I set that last little post out into the world. Although this little patch of the internets is very much mine and I maintain it mostly for myself, that can sometime feel like a lonely endeavor. I expected a comment or two from friends but was also pleasantly surprised to see more than a few comments from some new names and fresh faces. I have no idea what I’ve done to earn your reassuring words or your the kind ear, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you for letting me share my story and for taking an interest in it.

Ok…enough with the serious, heavy stuff. I had a wonderful, relaxing weekend to re-center myself and I’ll be back soon to share some of that here. I hope you had a great weekend too!

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3 responses to “just smile all the time

  1. you are loved, girl. SO very loved. 🙂

  2. Hope you are feeling better, hang in there !!!!

  3. Lovely photos! I’m glad that you had a relaxing weekend.
    I like the reminder that your friend gave you and can identify with it. It’s true that one’s story remains real even if another person doesn’t understand/accept it, but for me it’s hard not to feel hurt.
    I hope this week is a good one for you!

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