on finding balance

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I have a confession. This summer has been pretty miserable, a struggle. Not just because it’s been so damn hot and humid. Not just because work has been busy. Not just because of constant travel to Iowa for work. I’ve just been unhappy. I could point to several reasons why, including still being single at 30, the oppressive, constant weight of a mountain of student loans, various pressures from family, etc., although all that doesn’t really even begin to cover it. At the heart of the matter is the fact that I got too busy and let my life go on autopilot this summer. Is it any wonder that everything feels off balance? Should I be surprised that my body completely crapped out on me last week and I’m still battling the vestiges of a summer cold that just will not die? Probably not.

I’m overbooked and sleep deprived. I’m at least five pounds heavier than I was when the summer started and nothing fits right anymore. I’ve spent far too much on meals, clothes, shoes, gadgets, and things. I’ve become a slave to my blackberry and the internet, looking for meaningful connections, but feeling lonelier than ever. I’ve been running on empty for far too long and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

So I think it’s time to reign things in, to spend less, to sleep more, to work out again, to hold back on eating bad things (even when they taste so good), to step away from the constant hum and chatter of the internet, and more generally to be more mindful of my self, my life, and the people around me. I spent a lot of time alone this weekend, thinking, chewing the fat, and taking inventory. These two articles were instructive:

I’ve tried to keep a lot of my discontent out of this space, to reserve this for the things that make me happy. Hopefully, I’ll get back to that again soon, but I sometimes I like putting these thoughts out there, in part to make them feel concrete and in part because I feel more accountable to them now. Right now I need that.

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6 responses to “on finding balance

  1. Girl, take care of yourself. It’s good that you are feeling the need to slow down and figure stuff out, figure out what’s important to you, what will make you feel better.

  2. funny, i was just telling a friend about that article from NYT. that’s how i like to live. hope to get together w/ you soon again. this time well map it out. hehehe

  3. Hi, I visit your blog regularly and enjoy it very much. Your entries constantly inspire me to live a little and to cherish joys of life despite of being busy. I hope you feel better soon.

  4. I think so many of us are feeling similarly. I feel like all I do is wake up , go to work, run like mad all day, get home late feeling totally spent and having no energy left, eat bad things, go to bed, and repeat the next day….

    Hang in there, and vent here anytime you want – it’s your space! You’re never alone! Check out this blog that my daughter mentioned to me today. I love what I’ve seen so far and think you might enjoy it also.

    http://rowdykittens.com/2010/07/leisureology-101/

  5. Agh! I can’t believe I haven’t seen this till now. Sorry it’s been a crappy summer. Sounds like you’re well on your way in picking yourself up, hope things are moving in the right direction now 🙂 I find that keeping a blog sometimes help you keep you emotions in check, it’s almost like mini-therapy in a way. Hope the stars align for you soon!

  6. awww, hang in there girl…at least you don’t live in Iowa =)

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