I am not OK. This is not something I’m comfortable admitting, both here (because I try to keep this a happy space) and more generally (because I pride myself on having my shit together). But July essentially kicked me in the teeth and I had my ass handed to me. I’ve been pushed to the brink professionally, personally, physically, emotionally, mentally and now I feel like a hot mess. Emotions are messy, especially if you intend to actually deal with them.
It’s always hard seeing a relationship end. Hard to see a person walk out of your life (even if it’s for all the right reasons). Hard to see a person who was, for some period, a big part of your life become a stranger to you. Hard to see that your hopes and dreams for that person, with that person were completely unfounded. I think back to this moment last year a lot because a lot of the same emotions have been dredged up. The quote I shared then seems equally appropriate to share now:
“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”
I know I made the right decision. I know I had to put myself first. I know I am worth it, even if someone else couldn’t see that. I know I will bounce back. I know I’ll figure out again how to be alone. All this will take some time and hopefully a return to my former life (of cooking, crafting, etc.) will help. I am still standing. If you’re out there reading this and listening, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.