the dawn is a thousand miles away

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” -African Proverb

I am not OK.  This is not something I’m comfortable admitting, both here (because I try to keep this a happy space) and more generally (because I pride myself on having my shit together).  But July essentially kicked me in the teeth and I had my ass handed to me.  I’ve been pushed to the brink professionally, personally, physically, emotionally, mentally and now I feel like a hot mess.  Emotions are messy, especially if you intend to actually deal with them.

It’s always hard seeing a relationship end.  Hard to see a person walk out of your life (even if it’s for all the right reasons).  Hard to see a person who was, for some period, a big part of your life become a stranger to you.  Hard to see that your hopes and dreams for that person, with that person were completely unfounded.  I think back to this moment last year a lot because a lot of the same emotions have been dredged up.  The quote I shared then seems equally appropriate to share now:

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”
-Stephen King

I know I made the right decision.  I know I had to put myself first.  I know I am worth it, even if someone else couldn’t see that.  I know I will bounce back.  I know I’ll figure out again how to be alone.  All this will take some time and hopefully a return to my former life (of cooking, crafting, etc.) will help.  I am still standing.   If you’re out there reading this and listening, thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


10 responses to “the dawn is a thousand miles away

  1. (((((((HUGS))))))) ❤ you, doll. let me know if you need anything..

  2. Hey there, I know its hard, but I’m a firm believer in things happen for a reason…. it will all work out 🙂

  3. {hug} I’m glad you know that YOU’RE worth it. Hang in there… I’m still reading and listening… and sometimes, I know that means the most. Feel free to release when you need to!

  4. Hugs, my friend. I am hear to listen if you need to vent.

  5. Saaaaara, I am sending good vibes your way. I admire you for having the strength and honesty to deal with your emotions head-on and make the decision you had to make. This is life, and many people would’ve chosen to to live in fear instead.

  6. Extending an understanding ear, and a hug. Hang in there.

  7. (((( Hugs )))) Everything *does* happen for a reason.

  8. HUG! Time wounds all heals =). You definitely deserve better and things will always look brighter tomorrow =) See you tomorrow!

  9. Big big hugs, lovely girl. Knowing you made the right decision doesn’t make it hurt less right now, but maybe it’ll help it hurt less sooner. xoxo

  10. I love your blog! I just read this post today and can’t tell you how much I can relate. You just summed up the last 2 months of my life and I appreciate the honesty! Stay strong and positive (as hard as that is) and know that someone states away is thinking of you and hoping for a better start as well!

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